Written August 2011
I write this to share my experiences and to help you understand that when it comes time for those we love to journey home, that we all experience grief coupled with the profound sadness of physical separation. Life as we know it literally stops and for a time it seems to stand still yet the world around us continues to move at an accelerated pace.
It has taken 5 plus years for me to be able to share and candidly write about the passing of my mother. Her name is Betty Jane; she was born May 29th, 1925 and made her peaceful transition on August 18th, 2006. I was with my mom when she passed and for this, I am so very blessed and grateful.
We were always together and as she grew older it was both a privilege and an honor to care for her. She made me laugh; she taught me to be strong and encouraged me to be independent in action and thought. My mother was an inseparable part of my life and world and I was heartbroken the day she left.
I know my mother would prefer that I write about the amazing interconnected experiences we both shared rather than the details of the health challenges experienced during the last 6 weeks of her life.
My mother was rarely sick, always robust and full of energy. I was concerned that prior to her passing, she had gone into the hospital with a sudden case of pancreatitis. My mother was a real fire cracker and not one for the hospital. She wanted no part of illness, weakness or dependence…end of story!
As a point of focus, celebration and remembrances, I would like to share with you the last week of my mother’s life here on earth; especially what followed afterwards. She started to sense that her time was short, and would often let me know that she was growing tired. It was her way of preparing me and allowing me to slowly come to terms with her passing.
One afternoon my mother walked into our living room, wearing old slippers, blue flannel checkered pants and a jacket! I knew something was on her mind by the way she looked at me. While looking at each other, suddenly we both just burst into laughter! Thinking back upon that moment, our laughter was probably a wonderful way to ease her tension with what she was going to say next!
She was quite pragmatic about things and occasionally used language that some might consider, ‘socially unacceptable.’ But her quick wit and marvelous sense of humor always endeared her to others.
After we stopped laughing, she quickly blurted out, I called the fricken crematorium and made my fricken arrangements … the paperwork will be in my drawer when you need it. As she continued making her wishes known to me … she added, Everything is to be simple, no fuss and above all, no tears. That conversation was not easy but the mix of her laughter and candor that day, is a gift I will always treasure!
My Mother was so brave and strong, but I could see even through this little exchange, she really was tired, ready to leave earth and return home. She was clear about this and wanted me to know she’d made peace with this process as well.
One day we were talking, and I said to her, Mom I’m not sure how I will be able to navigate my life without you here. She turned to me and said very calmly, You will, figure it out, as you go. We also talked about her contacting me once she was settled on the other side. She looked at me in her typical way, rolled her eyes and assured me that if there was a way, she would figure it out!
During that week, she was beginning to sleep more deeply and for longer periods of time, so I would sleep with her. We talked about her life over the next couple of days and she reached out to family and friends. I made this time very special for her and indulged her in any way I could.
Three days before my mother passed I was feeling quite sad. At one point, I walked into her bedroom and felt the most amazing feeling of love embrace me. In that moment, I was surrounded by an indescribable comfort, and I heard, The time is near. The rest of that day I was in a haze, present but not really there. I knew in my heart she was going to leave and so my silent grieving began.
That evening I noticed our entire house appeared to be infused with a radiant light. It felt soft, warm, comforting and very familiar. The light at times appeared opaque and yet it also had the quality of being translucent. The experience of this light remained with us until the day she made her journey home.
Looking back, my mother became even more peaceful and introspective during those 3 days. She was no longer on the patio doing crossword puzzles but in the living room lying on the couch, resting, sleeping or watching TV.
The night before she passed, we were both lying on the couches in our living room. She looked over at me and said, Terri … I am tired and I want to go home. I had a wonderful life and have done everything that I wanted to do and so much more.
I looked at her fighting back my tears and calmly acknowledged what she had just shared with me. We remained in silence for a moment or two and then continued talking about life and how quickly time goes by for us all.
I am sure it was difficult for her to share that with me! She knew that her passing would be difficult for me and was still trying to ease me into this understanding. I made the house warm and comfortable for her that night. I watched her go to the patio and sit in her chair.
Thinking back now, I can remember wondering if this might not be the last time I would see my mom sitting there.
The next morning, I talked with her as she walked into the kitchen. She indicated that she was not feeling well and needed to sit down. I was in my office focusing on some busy work. I can remember feeling a sense of peace wash over me. In the next moment, I became aware that our house had a silence that was totally different than anything I’d experienced prior to this.
I called out to see if she was ok and in the still that was lingering, I found her sitting on the couch. There was life flickering within her and I told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me!
I quickly ran to the phone and called 911 and within minutes we were on our way to the hospital. As I was sitting in the front of the ambulance, I was calling family and friends to let them know what was happening.
I was shaken to the core and yet I managed to find calm in the panic and chaos swirling around me. My mom had always taught me to remain calm … and that lesson gave me strength at a time when I needed it the most.
As the ambulance turned the corner to enter the hospital parking lot, I felt my mother surrounding me, standing next to me, waiting. In that moment, I understood that she wanted to leave and in a very gentle and calm voice I said, It is ok mom for you to go and I will be ok. Her spirit fully embraced me, I felt electrified to the core of my being … and then she was gone.
My friend Robert arrived at the hospital within minutes of our arrival in the ambulance. From that moment forward he helped with all the details of my mother’s passing and made sure that her requests were handled with dignity and great care. There are no words to adequately express my appreciation for all that he did along with the kindness and love he gave to all that day.
Later that afternoon, my brother Phil and his son Jason flew in from Pennsylvania. It was a bitter/sweet reunion on so many levels and far more than I could possibly imagine at that time. Just two years into our future my Brother’s only son, my nephew and our mother’s grandson Jason, would also make his journey home.
Our good friends Reggie and Fanny came to share our loss and stay with us. I muddled through the day, feeling confused and trying to make sense of my new reality.
There was such a strong pull within my spirit to follow my mother and I was concerned about going to sleep that night. I asked Fanny to stay beside me and hold my hand throughout the night. I struggled to stay awake and then around 4:30 AM; exhausted, I finally closed my eyes, slipping into a deep sleep.
Within seconds of closing my eyes, I felt my broken heart come to a complete stop … silence surrounded me. In the next instant, I moved outside my body to a place that was filled with opalescent radiant light. It was like the light that would visit with us while my mother was still on earth.
I realized that my awareness moved beyond the limited 5 sense reality we normally experience here on earth. It felt as though all my perceptions were unified into one amplified sense of pulsing vibrating energy.
As I looked around, I sensed that I was still connected to my mother but I could not see her. Standing around me, were amazing beings wearing garments of light. They were very loving yet firm, as they told me I was not to stay with them. I felt the energy swirling around me as I continued to request that I be allowed to stay there and help my mother.
Then in simultaneous time I merged back with my body and felt my heart take 2 very strong beats; then a deep breath. My friend Fanny, who never let go of my hand that night, was awakened to a piercing tone in her ear and instinctively pulled on my hand…so that I became fully anchored and back into my body. This experience has remained with me and still offers profound comfort, peace and wonder!
Throughout the next 2 months I would feel my mother watching over me, protecting me the same way she did when she was physically here on earth. It was most difficult at night or when I would re-enter the house after being gone for several hours as I would sense her powerful presence. While it was wonderful to know that my mother was still with me it was more difficult for me to go through the process of grieving.
Finally, one evening in a gentle voice I once again said, Mom it’s ok to leave, I am stronger and I will be ok. A peace and calm entered our home that night and remained with me until it was sold in June 2011.
I had an opportunity to see my mother again. It was now 3 months since her passing and she visited me in a dream. But It wasn’t like a normal dream, it was a happening; an event and offered profound assistance in helping me work through my grief! At first standing aside of my bed, and then later sitting down upon my bed, her comfort and love surrounded me in absolute perfection. She was radiant and looked like she was in her late 30’s. I sensed her renewed strength and vibrancy and this gave me great peace.
I felt how much she adored and loved me and knew she would be with me always. She encouraged me to move forward in my life, to be happy and fill my days shining my light to help others. I of course still miss my mother and over the years have been comforted knowing, she is always near.
I thank you for taking the time to read this and allowing me to share with you part of our journey of love, life and transition.
Blessings & Love
Terri